Jacinta's motherhood story – A tale of loss

There are few things in life that can rattle my whole sense of being to its core. Sure, I can be a stress-nut, about A LOT of things, not to mention a bit of a glum bum from time to time. Don't even try to talk to me in the mornings about anything other than food, and if you're wanting a confrontation, I'll run a mile and have a chat over a coffee once you're well (and absolutely truly) done!

My life was relatively calm, happy and carefree for 30 years. I had an easy going childhood amongst the inevitable sibling rivalries from time to time. I was successful in my schooling and breezed into uni (despite not realising it at the time), followed by the meeting of my first boyfriend, who is now my inspirational and loving husband and father to our two boys. I know right, almost too good to be true.

After having our second child, we were naturally smitten and couldn't wait to add the final piece to our family puzzle. Lucky for us, we didn't have to wait around too long to discover our third child was on its way. Perfect for the impatient monster that I happen to be.

We started imagining life with this new addition, and life really was a healthy shade of peach. That was until one stunningly summery day in February, shortly after celebrating a joint 30th and 1st birthday for my husband and second born.

The day was like any other sunny Saturday, until I discovered blood. Not a great deal, but enough to send my mind racing into a panic. I started reading up what the cause could be (please never, EVER do this) which did nothing to calm my nerves.

The next morning we headed to my parents despite my feelings of helplessness growing by the minute, and I basically laid in bed there sleeping the afternoon away in an attempt to escape.

On Monday morning I booked myself in for a scan, which would later confirm our worst fears. Trying to explain the shock I went through is not entirely straight forward, and I'm certainly aware that this experience can be vastly different for many, but for me, the experience was gut wrenching. My mind and body felt numb, and I mean for weeks, perhaps months. I just couldn't believe that this was happening, and even had thoughts of denying the whole event. According to me, that baby hadn't gone anywhere, and I knew that it was still with us.

For the first few days I could hardly sleep, or eat, due to serious guilt. How dare I have the luxury of nourishment, or a good night's sleep when my baby had been denied such pleasures.

There were tears, constantly, yet I quickly had an overriding need to correct this imbalance and we soon fell pregnant again. This would be fine, I told myself. We've learnt lots from this little glitch, but we'll be fine once this new little one comes along to heal our wounds. Not so…this one was lost even earlier, and was now a consecutive miscarriage, a category I never wanted to enter into.

Devastation ensued and after some time processing this second loss, we made the decision to try one last time, except, we hadn't expected the long, drawn out 18 months it would take. Needless to say, we moved on to IVF and were fortunate to conceive after our first round. Through our specialist, we'd had a beautiful 7 week scan with a healthy heartbeat and steady growth. We couldn't be more thrilled, and for the first time, in a long time, I allowed in a window of happiness.

Two weeks later, this window shattered. Our final chance was gone in an instant. No growth had occurred since week 8, and no heartbeat was to be heard. Once again I found myself denying the loss, and willing the baby to somehow kick back into gear, as I just couldn't see why or how this was the way our story had ended.

I'd like for there to be a positive and comforting baby arrival to conclude my story, but the fact of the matter is, that's just not everyone's story. In addition, it's probably not entirely healthy that those are generally the only fertility stories that make it out there. Positive stories are lovely to hear and can provide much needed hope for many, however I really feel that there are many more tales that, if people need to share, ought to be told without judgement or ridicule.

ABOUT JACINTA

Jacinta says: I'm a Primary Teacher studying Indonesian. I'm an organiser and love both art, in all forms, and exercise.

Hood: Ocean Grove

Children: Two boys. Charlie 6 and Fraser 5

Motherhood in 5 words: Fun, challenging, rewarding, exhausting and (not one word, but a phrase) a steep learning curve.

Fav family-friendly place: Hello Birdie Cafe in Ocean Grove

Coffee order: Latte no sugar. I profess to know nothing about coffee so I go with a safe option!

Blog: A Tale or Two & And thereby hangs a tale.

I started A Tale or Two to promote mindfulness and a focus on what makes us happy through the use of diaries, and more books to come, used to record your happy or positive thoughts.

And thereby hangs a tale aims to promote local independent creatives.

Instagram: @a.tale.or.two and @and_thereby_hangs_a_tale.

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Disclaimer

The information in this story is a unique and personal reflection of the writer's experience. If you have any specific questions about any medical matter you should consult your doctor or other professional healthcare provider. If you think you may be suffering from any medical condition you should seek immediate medical attention. You should never delay seeking medical advice, disregard medical advice, or discontinue medical treatment because of information on this website.